Friday
9 December 2011
11:23am


This is the 1st day i have been home after being in Disney World.
My thoughts and feelings abt the experience feel like the tornado that blows away Dorothy or the creepy boat scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
But real.

Monday
12 December 2011
4:20 pm


i am going to start swimming laps
i think the quite solitary movement is more healthy.  
Instead of feeling like the stiller i was the safer i was.  
Like, if i can at will, lock into a physical position.   
All of my energy must go to trying to hold my emotional-self together
saps all of my energy and my body moves into some kinda hibernation type phase.

i need to start making movement a part of this coping mechanism.  
to be meditative in a quiet place shared with other folks.
awesome?

My mind has been swirling from all the mess at Penn State.  This mess is fucked up.
I haven’t been able to focus on my own work.
Last week i put myself on a media black out.
I have been operating with so much anger, it seems the slightest bit of information flares my temper.
And i don't “have a temper”.  
so, feeling this way has been uncomfortable.

I am starting to be able to reflect about what individual and cultural reactions have been able to teach me about how childhood sexual abuse is really viewed by our culture.  

It is with sadness that i say, i have little confidence in humanity.

Not 2 weeks after the news broke the Sandusky story, a guy told me a homophobic joke set in a shower. He was honestly surprised when i didn't laugh and assumed i didn’t get it, so he started to explain it to me.  
I mentally checked out of that situation.  
I mean, i got the joke.  I got it.

I read today that one of the survivors has had to leave high school.

http://espn.go.com/college-football/story/_/id/7263075/penn-state-university-police-report-another-indecent-assault-2000-pool

The blurb about him is at the end of the article.

when a child is sexually abused they are confronted with the knowledge that adults can not be trusted, bad things do happen, people will not always help someone in need, and that  basic human goodness is a lie.
This kid now also knows that kids in his school, and the adult staff are willing to put a football coach ahead of him.  
Joe Paterno’s firing is of more emotional urgency, then kindness being giving to a child aged survivor of child sexual abuse in their community.  

And that folks, is the sort of thing a kid slits their wrist over.

I perform to Journey.
In my studio.
My puppy, Pan will come running if she hears me start to sing or getting up to get down.
Cause, she turns it out too.

Jazz hands, hip pumps, air guitar, air drum, and often loud atonal singing.
I think is a good example of what sets me part from most adults.  

Jon Stewart gets it.

from the daily show

This Sandusky monster at Penn State, i am disturbed by the reaction of the populous.

There was an out-cry when it was suggested that the Penn State football game be cancelled this weekend.  The response i heard the most was, “why should the team and 150,000 people be punished too.

Lets get this out of the way- 150,000 seat stadium!

Now, “the punished too” statement.  here is the thing, we are all guilty of allowing these little boys to be assaulted over DECADES by Sandusky.  Our culture of silence makes this possible. 

 People say, “i can’t think about it anymore, it is to awful”
They do not see, its a privilege to chose to not think about child sexual abuse.  

Survivors have to think about it all the time.  There have been times when my mind is so hurt  and bruised, i will have intruding thoughts of abuse.  i am years into my trauma therapy so, i can be more choiceful in when i think about  the abuse.

I promise you, the only thing these kids in Happy Valley are able to think about right now is the abuse.  They can’t take a breath that doesn't taste like the monster or get the smell of him off their skin.

And for many of these boys the abuse happened years ago.  Even as grown adults, the trauma of child sexual abuse can feel like it is suddenly in your right now.

Our minds where not developed enough to handle trauma, so memories aren't stored correctly in the long term memory file.  A child’s mind does the best it can to process sexual abuse.  

But, it is a 10 year old being asked to use an old fashioned library card catalogue with no instruction and with limited command of written language.

So the HURDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND folks who can put this aside for the big game on Saturday, are all adding to the epidemic of child sexual abuse.
They don't get it.  These folks don't see how very dark some of the shadows are in the world.

I am going to have to slowly put my thoughts on Penn State together. Right now it is to big for me to think about everything at one time. I am finding i need to to portion it so it does not over whelm me again.  

I can't be the only survivor who has been very triggered this week.

On “breaking my mom’s heart”

I mostly mean this in good fun.  
I am a somewhat legendary cusser.
My Mom is graciously proper and beautifully Southern.  
My Mom is now aware of, to a small degree, my cussing.  At 34, I have been trying to be more myself with my parents.  It is only in the last 4 or 5 years that i told my parents about the abuse.  They have cut contact with the monster and have taken an active roll in my trauma therapy.  
So, this new relationship we are building is now, finally, built on honesty.  
And i honestly have a cussing streak, a mile fucking wide.

I know that the subtext of my mom’s protest is: the truth of the abuse is so awful and counter to what she wanted for me, she needs to verbalize in some way.  
Seeing the, i don’t think i have the right word, emotion on her face, breaks my heart.  I can almost see her emotional temperature rise up her body.  It is to much.  I am sorry that the monster brought this into our lives. This is a next level of feeling, that can consume a person.
My mom is the kinda of woman who wakes up pretty. And seeing what knowledge of the monster has done to her smile....
*I had to stop writing.  i have been doing the deep boohoo/can’t breath out of my nose kind of crying*
Mom agrees with most of my salty language, the monster is a fucking bastard.   
But, i can i see in her eyes.   i am her pigtails and hair bows baby girl.  The life she wanted for me was not one that would have the need for cussing.  
And she can’t help reaching to me, and very quietly yet forcefully say my name and say, “ we need to work on your language, Mandy.”

I try to keep my mouth in check when i am talking to her.  It is not  hard, i have been editing myself on the fly since i was 8.  
My life, the lives of my family, even pets lived at the monster’s whim.  If i told, he would kill them.  And it would be my fault.  
Hearing about home verse street talk, was common when i was a kid.  
I just had another layer, there was “mind talk”.  
My thoughts cuss, alot.

Bemoaning my potty mouth is easier then mourning my childhood.
That is not a judgement.  
it is fact and heartbreakingly personal.

My cussing breaks my mom’s heart  =  my history actually breaks my mom’s heart

Not just anyone can have a blog

I am planning to use this space for journaling about my journey as a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse.
It is a hard climb, I feel like i have had at least one foot in hell the whole time

I am also an artist.  I am trying to use my oil paintings as a platform for my larger goal of reaching out to millions of other survivors.  I hope to also help loved ones understand what a survivor, doing the hard work of healing, goes through.

There are so few of us that make it into adulthood. We die.  We kill ourselves.
I was a child warrior in a grown man's war.
I had no chance to win, the most i could do was survive.
I have made it to adulthood broken, tired, and sick.